I remember thinking that I’d done well of just sinking into my surroundings until my grandmother walks past me and pulls a sign off my back. Another milestone in rejection and disappointment for me. Same father, eleven years later and I’m not getting out of bed for something it’d be better that I didn’t go to. He’s not understanding this…and he’s ripping the posters off of my walls. Fury is being reborn inside me and I’m out of my bed and screaming at him, and he’s slapping me. Inside my heart on this other plane I am sinking further and further into this montage of my past agonies. Sixteen now and on the telephone with a boyfriend, I feel how much I love him and I’m grinning as I pick up the phone talking in my happy lively way until I stop suddenly, my face falling eyes wide listening to what he’s saying. I’m not his soul mate, he can’t be with me anymore. Very quickly I flash through the achingly terrible fighting that occurred between he and I, and the six months of healing. I have no doubt this guy is as homophobic as they come. My exaggerated femininity has attracted him and he's angry and almost out of control.I turn to him and dig my fingers into his arm. “I like big men,"I simper. My sharp fingernails stab his flesh.“Fuck you," he grunts and slaps my hand away.I grope his cock through his pants and am thrilled that it feels quite large. Before he can hit me again I whisper, “Meet me outside." I lick my lips suggestively and walk quickly away. Passing the counter, Jake mutters a warning to me. Something about the guy being crazy. I'm sure Jake would think I'm even crazier if he knew how much I wanted, needed actually, to submit to a brutal and painful encounter.I go out the door and walk quickly to the side alley that leads to a parking area behind the store. The big bruiser lumbers behind me. There are some overflowing garbage cans in the dimly lit parking lot. The smell of rotting food competes with stale urine where bookstore customers have peed.I.
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